The reason behind this blog

I started this blog because I have been living a lie.

For my entire life, I’ve held this secret to me because I’m ashamed of what people will say or think if I told the truth.  There is a long, deep rooted fear I’ve had since childhood that if I speak up, people will tell me I’m full of shit.  I also keep it close to me because I don’t want to be perceived as weak or have others feel sorry for me.

Shame and pride.  What fucked up reasons to keep a secret, huh?

I was abused by my parents as a child.  I also have a mental illness.

I’ve been participating in Oprah Winfrey’s Lifeclass.  While I don’t have cable and can’t get OWN, I do go online to watch the webcast and I do the “lifework”.  This class has had a profound effect on me.  Not one day goes by where I haven’t had at least one “a-ha” moment about myself and why I do what I do.

I also have an anxiety disorder, been diagnosed with depression, and I have panic attacks.  I truly believe that my mental illness is deeply rooted in the events of my childhood and that in order to truly heal and be well, I have to let this secret go.  This secret and my own shame about my past is also fueling this deep anger I have.  This anger threatens to consume me and I must let go of the anger if I wish to live life to its fullest and finally be at peace.