I started this blog because I have been living a lie.
For my entire life, I’ve held this secret to me because I’m ashamed of what people will say or think if I told the truth. There is a long, deep rooted fear I’ve had since childhood that if I speak up, people will tell me I’m full of shit. I also keep it close to me because I don’t want to be perceived as weak or have others feel sorry for me.
Shame and pride. What fucked up reasons to keep a secret, huh?
I was abused by my parents as a child. I also have a mental illness.
I’ve been participating in Oprah Winfrey’s Lifeclass. While I don’t have cable and can’t get OWN, I do go online to watch the webcast and I do the “lifework”. This class has had a profound effect on me. Not one day goes by where I haven’t had at least one “a-ha” moment about myself and why I do what I do.
I also have an anxiety disorder, been diagnosed with depression, and I have panic attacks. I truly believe that my mental illness is deeply rooted in the events of my childhood and that in order to truly heal and be well, I have to let this secret go. This secret and my own shame about my past is also fueling this deep anger I have. This anger threatens to consume me and I must let go of the anger if I wish to live life to its fullest and finally be at peace.